Truth

Warning: A long one, this.

-1.

I have this "connection" with Alisya ever since she was a baby...but an incident this morning tops it all, she is a gem......
This morning, as we reached the skool, Alisya shocked me with a rather strange question:
A: "Ayah nak work baru yeh?"
Me: "What is it Kakak?"
A: "Alisya kata, ayah nak work baru kee?"
Me (smiling & touching her cheeks): "Yes Kakak. Ayah nak cari work baru...Kakak nak ayah cari work baru ke?"
A: "Yes, ayah cari work baru okeyh?"
Me: "Yes Kakak, I will. Now, Naufal, Alisya, salam & kiss ayah, teacher dah tunggu..."
+ Hugs & Kisses+
Me: "Bye Naufal, I love you"
N: "Bye Ayah, I love you too"
Me: "Bye Kakak,, I love you"
A: "I love you Ayah"

~ I drove off to the Zoo....(sigh!)

0.
The week has been quite...a mix. Yes, I do have some stuff to do in The Zoo but my heart & soul is just not there anymore...
Since Friday last week:

1.
Naufal is back in kampung with Tok Mak & Tok Abah (surprisingly when I was editing these photos Mak called and they have reached Kajang! So, since last night, Naufal is back! Yeayyy!!)
2.
Mama is in Singapore until tomorrow.
Work, work and more work...pity Mama, she's still not given that long long loooonngg overdue promotion & increment....that company she's been in sure has lotsa retarded donkeys as leaders....and their HR leaders are some off-springs of faggot monkeys and slimy maggots. While the senior - and mostly senile - staff (the baby boom bastards) get to plonk in more moolahs and can afford to drive fancy cars by doing less & being irresponsible of their subordinates, the working levels gets ridiculously minute rewards after being enslaved by those bastards.
Yeah....c'est la farking vie!

How I think & how I see are what seperate me from other photographers....and leaders

3.
For a while, I managed to shrug-off the emotions - I had a shoot on Saturday, with Raydcza, Namerumonka & WLeonard....superb & very "rajin" photographers they all are! KUDOS dudes! Although we had to start early and go on without food under the hot sun until the end of the session, we all enjoyed the session very much...as Namerumonka put it: "Lapar ka haus ka, bila dah cucuk lens & start shooting, mmg tak hengat apa dah!"
...and Mama, after a customer collected the set of cupcakes, had to go to the office to complete some more work...(please read "2" and start cursing the company more! Ahahah!)

4.
In the evening, we went to Dataran Putrajaya. We let the sisters run around and be friendly to whoever they want keeping them in our views all the time - we always allow them freedom to interact and make friends....and they had the chance to view the laser show that night...(the first photo).

They had a good time....though deep within me I wish I can give them more than just this....asyik kena naya & dajal jer dgn leaders, I cannot think about it without being emotionally disturbed...definitely cannot put my hopes on the Zoo anymore...the system is killing me and already starting to damage my bastion of strong will & determination...they wanna make me die standing but I'm not letting it happen...

5.

On Sunday, I had an invitation to attend a talk at the new Canon Professional Center by one of the greatest local photojournalist ever - Jimin Lai. He was a colleague of my master sifu supreme guru mentor Shamshahrin@ImageMaker (another great photojournalist of this country) who decided to be on "sabbatical leave" totally refusing to touch nor look at photographs for couple of years. They are working together to design & run a workshop for aspiring photojournalists in this country.

5.
After the talk, I had to rush back and fetch Mama & the sisters and send Mama to KLIA......the sisters were busy playing in the airplane playground and only started asking about Mama when I took them for dinner at the nearby KFC. The trip back was filled with questions and reasonings....of course....

They spend the night with our maid - the kids been refusing to sleep with me for many moons, which is sad for me but actually good for them, I don't want them to get infected by my disease in any minute possibilities, so preventive measure will have to be considered - be it a hard one to do. I spent the night editing the shots done on Saturday - "client" wants in on Saturday so must complete it as soon as possible lah!

6.
On Monday, I had to (literally!) put a knife on my throat and force myself to go to the Zoo...(bloody rotten place to be in)....but not before I sent Alisya to her skool and later forced by Aliya to take her for a spin...which I did...and the drive to work was not an easy one....bloody fatigue and the occasional mild fever decided to accompany me since Mama was not there as the co-driver....but Alhamdulilah I made it...(the rest of the week I used the solution when we have Alisya & Naufal - 100PLus helps! Fark-off fatigue & fever! Ahahah!).

My heart stopped a beat on that Monday afternoon when our maid called and asked me to get the usual Sedilix for Aliya who's having a fever and Alisya's right eye is turning red. I rushed home after the office hour and brought Aliya & Alisya to the neighborhood clinic. Well despite the situation they were in the sisters were still friendly to the crowd....and the doctor.
A dose of medicine (with some effort of course for the little one!) and then the usual good night kiss, I am left alone awake till the wee hours thinking and thinking about my nasib after another year of giving my best to the Zoo....dammit...how stupid have I been!

7.
It's a great gift from Allah to have 2 wonderful daughters and a wonderful son!
With the new situation I am in, I have been trying my best to reach home while the sun is still shining and spent time with the sisters (since Naufal was still in kampung) and yesterday we went for a little shopping at Tesco. They are really-really "people person", my babies.....they was this cute chubby 2- year old girl and they said hi to the baby and some other people while we were shopping.....and normally, the cashier will get a flying kiss from them.

This morning I sent Alisya & Naufal to their school and had breakfast with Mak & Abah...something very rare for me since the beginning of the new millennium. Work work work...office hours rush (and yet still late and get blamed for coming late - sheesh!) so I decided, fark the Zoo, I have a bunch of lovely people who loves me so much so I will spend my time having breakfast with them!

8.
....and lunch was not a good hour for me today. Che Lie visited and together with the usual bunch we went for lunch....and due to their higher positions (yeah so to say) some of them just could not stop talking about business issues and strategy and whathefarkelse and (still) trying hard to sound smart...babbling in circles, repeating other people's points, assuming assuming assuming (for a change, go do real line job and understand the real deal on running a business!)
Sial betul....for crying out loud, it has been months since we had lunch with each others so.....oh well fark everything.....I quickly swallow my dishes and buzzed off.
So, yeah, thank you everybody, you made it very clear that I am not fit to sit together at the same table so please excuse me....got some donkey shit to clear at the Zoo while you all talk about strategy and billions.
Sick....or maybe I have been too blind to see...because perhaps there are photos of some of them's dead grandparents on the wall of the Zoo somewhere....

9.
Good thing Mama sms-ed that she has managed to get things done faster than expected (despite having a bunch of retarded monkeys as the leaders) and she's taking the afternoon flight back.
Great! I can drive safely to work tomorrow!

10.
The truth is, since last Friday I have been dealing with a huge lump of mixed emotions...in Malay it would be aku rasa diri aku: sedih, sebak, buntu, bengang, marah, dendam, tertipu, bodoh, bangsat, kampungan, mangsa, keji...sial.
(Yes, no good words to be mentioned anywhere but, since this is my blog, I am allowed to write anything lah kan!)
My performance & leadership rating has been down graded from excellent & good to average & poor!
How can that be a fair reward for me? Well if that is not enough, everybody else is leaving and being promoted and I am being asked to also leave the unit despite the available vacancies - a grade above mine - which I have been doing all these while.
Such an insult!
What else can I do but pray and talk more to Allah.....but each and everyone of the leaders involved, will have to deal with this in the HereAfter. Wallahi, for seorang yg teraniaya, I will not end my prayers everyday without a doa for my rights and for all of you to get proper returns on your doings to me, agar kamu semua di laknat, here and in the HereAfter.