Thursday, July 23, 2009

Is it really that difficult?

Is it really difficult to admit defeat?
No, not for me because I don't look at it as something negative. For one to become a winner, there must be at least one loser. The way that I see it, the winner who appreciates his opponents and treats them with respect, would only then be a winner. The opponents who are willing to accept defeat, celebrates the winning party and move on, would be the real winners too.
At the end of the day, what you achieved is not the purpose of your living.
How you achieved it and what happened along the way would be what really makes you a respectable person, or just another swine like those I knew in my previous office. They must always win and regardless how they do it, they will.
No, my strong words and all in my FaceBook is not about me denying defeat but about me being denied of decent justice. Everybody may interpret it differently - especially the tamak haloba idiots involved in the whole fiasco - but if one says he/ she understands what I am feeling, the person is very kind but it's just a massive lie. Only me, myself and I would understand how it feels to be where I am right now.

Is it really difficult to forgive and forget?
Yes. In this particular case, it is for me.
Some things are just much easier said than done. For a person who had to deal with death & burial of his loved one on his birthday; injured, operated several times and have to live with some pieces of expensive metals in his body for pursuing his previous passions; suffering a blardy disease until the moment to succumb comes; multiple mishaps in just a single month this year; sidelined, ignored by many who has lesser braincells than a dead sloth; all I can say is, nobody has the right to say "I really do understand how you feel" to me, unless you have gone through those I have mentioned above...and believe me, you would not want to even think to be in my place!

Don't get me wrong now - all the positives words and encouragements are really appreciated - thank you very much my friends....but the burden and pain, is nothing like any of you could ever imagine....but still, I love you all, my friends!

In the end of the day, it is me who will stand and continue to strive & fight, with my family by my side. They are the only people who knew what we have been 6 years old Alisya & Naufal, my 3 years old Aliya & my lovely wifey.

So all that matters for me is to still continue breathing and giving my best for them, regardless what I am being marked or branded. I am here for them and who ever try to make it difficult for them, I will deal with, openly or discreetly.

Is it really difficult to move on?
NO. I have moved on but from time to time I am reflecting what I have endured, to remind me why I am standing where I am now.
One day - sooner or later - I will die and I would want my kids to know how much I love them and I have done my best for them despite what have happened. They should be facing the world as better persons than what I am (or was, when there is no more me in this world)...and no doubt, they are much better persons than those heartless people involved.
Unlike what is being claimed by some idiotas, my kids are not "my best achievement in life" (Come to think of it....what kind of a stupid prick would claim personal glory for the existence of his/her kids anyway??! It's all about claiming glory even though it was not his/ hers, even from his/ her own child?? Lowlife!)
BUT for me, my kids are achievers and I am going to be proud of them whether I am here or not, because I gave my love & time for them all the time as much as possible, not just painting romantic words here & there to make everybody think high of me while actually always not being there with some idiotas!

Is it really difficult to ask for forgiveness?
NO....and thats what I am doing now:

To Mama, Alisya, Naufal, & Aliya,

I have told you about this moment long ago and now, with the letter given to me this morning, the moment is finally here.

You all know how I have worked for the last unit I was in and how the whole events came to shape. I am not going to feel at ease until I ask for your forgiveness, for the first time in my working life I have been "failed" miserably by the powers that be in the organization.

I am sorry, I truly am. Achieving some goals I have set for years, meant a lot to me. The ugly truth has happened and the hard fact is I never got the chance to achieve it, most of the time when I was so sure I am going to achieve it, it would be shot down by some powers that be.

For them, I might not be a worthy person to have as a worker but I want you to know that from the moment I knew you, I have been trying to be a good father/ husband one could ever have....I hope you will understand what I am dealing with and for your support - all of you - all I can say is - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT WORDS CAN SAY.

What has happened means I have failed to give you some of the things that I have planned & wanted to give you....but I shall redeem this failure in the near future - insyaAllah. I have learnt that buddies are nobody, when it comes to pangkat & harta they'd conviniently slash you as they have to. I should never depend on an organization but my own true skills & capabilities.

We have crafted our better future for the past few years and I will work it out for all of you. That is my promise, to you, Mama, Alisya, Naufal & Aliya.

Forgive me, Ayah sayang sangat Mama, Alisya, Naufal & Aliya.

It's going to be a lovely day Torque...tomorrow and the days after tomorrow...insyaAllah.

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